The plan, The prophecy, The man, The tomatoes.

Disclaimer:- For the believers of the great tomato disasters this post should clear all doubts why g33k5 are the superior race. For the rest GFU.

The elaborate plan for saving the Earth started its impementation on October 28th, 1955 in Seattle, Washington. This is the day the savior of this world was born. He was given a eartly name called Henry Willam.

Everything seemed okey with this man except his prepostarous interest in computers. He was a exceptional student whos main areas of interest were mathematics and sciences. But all this changed on a fateful night 1967. The day had started like any other and ended as normally as it could. It all started after he had gone to sleep. He suddenly felt like he was awake and found himself walking through the ruins of a long destroyed city. The city was covered in a red jelly. Thats when the miracle happened.

God had planned on making a subtle appearance but wakingup in a destroyed city covered with red jelly doesnt work out for humans.

Henry Willaim:- What the *beep*. What the *beep*.

God:- Hi. Im God.

HW:- What the *beep*.

God:- Swearing is a Sin not suitable for a messiah.

HW:- What the *beep* happened to my *beep*ing voice. I say *beep* it says beep???

God:- God*beep*it. Why do messiahs have to be so stupid??? Im God so swearing is always censored in my presence.

HW:- What the *beep*. Cool. Its *beep*ing awesome. So wazzup God???

God:- Look at this world. This a world that was far advanced than Earth and got destroyed because they couldnt handle the tomatoes. You must b wondering why ……..

HW:- What the *beep*. U called me stupid. Ur stupid. Why create me if U wanted to create me so *beep*ically stupid.

God:- God*beep*. U stupid *beep*, Ur still preocessing a dialogue frm 5 mins ago??? ST*beep*U and listen to what I have to say.

HW:- I dont listen to guys who calls me stupid. And BTW my friends mom says “Stupid is what stupid does”. Never really figured out what that really means but it must mean, Ur stupid.

God:- Would U like a lightning bolt up Urs??? Ehh Ehh??? Then ST*beep*U and listen to what I have to say U God*beep*ed stupid *Beep*.

God takes out a bottle of asprin and pops a couple into his mouth.

God:- Now where were we. Ah yeah! You must be wondering why Ur here in such a place. I was about to tell U the secret of Ur life and its purpose but considering Ur inteligence I will have to do everything I guess. Very soon Ur school would obtain a computer and U have to start working on it. I will be telling U what to do from time to time.

HW:- And why would b I doing that???

God:- You were chosen at birth to lead a army that would make people dependent and useless. Thus saving them.

HW:- Come again.

God:- Im God ST*Beep*U and do as I say. It is for saving the world. Now get out of my sight and wakeup in ur world and dont U *beep*ing forget any of it.

2 hrs later, Willaim Gates lying on his bed with his eyes open.

HW:- Now what was I supposed to do again???

Voiceover:- God*beep*it, I wrote everything down on a notepad. Its on the table for heavens sake.

HW:- WT*beep* another God???

Voiceover:- Now who the *beep* am I supposed to repent to after killing him??? Im the *beep*ing God.

HW kept following these orders and became popular as Bill Gates of WIndows. And God’s plan had worked. The people have been turned into a new speices called geeks. This species priortise things a lot differently than normal humans and for them a RAM is a better valentine’s gift than flowers or chocolates. God’s plan had worked out so well that people who dont have a email are believed to not exist at all. But every medicine has a side effect. Now the staple food for geeks happens to be chips and candy bars. Now there is a new possibility of danger due to this.

PS:- All the believers believe this and follow the messiah and install windows.
PS2:- All the believers should note that Unix is the answer that Satan has comeup with to win against God.
PS3:- Believers. Shut Ur computers and go buy a extra windows license just in case. Start running.
PS4:- Now that all the geeky fools have left. This post is nothing more than a South Park inspired work of fiction, created for the sole purpose of keeping the people stupid enough to sell tomatoes frm selling them ;).

Tomatoes may be injurious to health

What Im about to reveal is a divine secret, by revealing which I would be exposing myself and all of the readers to, a death by being struck with a lightning bolt. So people with weak hearts and with a will to live should stop reading.

This story starts in one of the alternative universes, in the one which was the most favoured by the Gods. Though evolution has worked in the same way as on this universe, due to the existence of an extra Sun their world was ahead of the rest of the alternatives by over half a century. Their advancement can be credited to them being smarter and more motivated than the average individual on our beloved Earth. It is due to these characteristics that they were able to advance furthur than the rest and actually succeeded in maintaining relationships with neighbouring planets. But their advancements and their superior level of motivation ironically lead to their eventual destruction.

It all began with the advent a new idea called “Democracy” during the early 1700’s. By the end of the 19th century their whole world was engulfed by it. The old idea of, the occupations of individuals being assigned at birth was discarded. This seemed like a bright idea until the fateful day when a indvidual born to a Software professional couple got fedup with computers and decided to start selling tomatoes. Within 3 weeks he had more than tripled his assets. People around him started to understand the situation and within a year the whole of the city had followed suit and came to be known as the tomato capital of the world. He even succeeded in converting his g33ky parents to normal tomato vendors. The city was flooded with wealth and it began to be called as “Tomato Nox” as a respect to the greatest ruler of all times Hitler.

This is where things started to take a ugly turn. The whole world saw a Tomato boom of the likes which they had never seen before. Countries began promote tomato production with everything they had got and within a decade the whole world had started to produce tomatoes and Earth finally stripped Mars of the title “The Red planet”. Earth became the Tomato capital for the world. It became an unspoken law that “whoever controls the tomato trade controls the planet”. This lead to the infamous “Tomato wars”.

The tomato wars though first between small impoverished countries spread its claws onto the bigger stronger countries as well. Very soon the planet was divided into two alliances headed by “United States of Columbus” and “United Soviet Socialist Democracies”. Not much is known about these wars due to the fact that nothing was left on this Earth. And very soon the planet was declared as barren.

The Gods couldnt handle the sorrow of their favourite universe being destroyed. So after a decade of discussions they cameup with a plan to save the rest of the universes from destroying themselves.
Note :- Next part will feature their ingenious plan.

Email vs Tomatoes

The original sender of this post http://www.orkut.com/Profile.aspx?uid=11453772305633072387

A jobless man applied for the position of “office boy” at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test. “You are employed.”
He said.” Give me your e-mail address and I’ll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start.”
The man replied “But I don’t have a computer, neither an email.”
I’m sorry”, said the HR manager, “If you don’t have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn’t exist, cannot have the job.”
The man left with no hope at all. He didn’t know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.
He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the Operation three times, and returned home with $60. The man realized that he can survive by this
Way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.
5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US . He started to plan his family’s future.
He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, “I don’t have an email”. The broker answered curiously, “You don’t have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!”
The man thought for a while and replied, “Yes, I’d be an office boy at Microsoft!”
Moral of the story:
M1 - Internet is not the solution to your life.
M2 - If you don’t have internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.
M3 - If you received this message by email, you are closer to being an office boy,
than a millionaire……….
Have a great day!!!
Pls Note: - Do not forward this email to me back, I’m closing all my email addresses & going to sell tomatoes!!!
Smiling after reading is not mandatory!!!!

The end

Note:- The next post would b a geeks answer in defense of this statement.

A crumbling world Pt2.

I wokeup at the crack of dawn, without the refreshing feel of waking up frm a good night’s sleep. The ground I was lying on didnt provide me the usual soft feel of a comfortable bed and the the alarm that woke me wasnt my hip-hop alarm but rather cries and hues. I opened my eyes to find my Dad awake, apparently frm a sleepless night and my Mom sleeping with my kid brother clung to her chest. Dad was lying against a broken tree with us sharing his comfortable shoulder against our head. I looked at the sleep deprived, dust covered face of my Dad and realised for the first time how lucky I had been to have a strong shoulder like that to rest on all these years. My Dad turned to me and said with a smile, “The worst is over, We have survived it.”

I started looking around hoping to find my house but all I could find was pieces of it. The front door had collapsed but there was another larger one dividing the house into two. I stood up and walked towards it and stood staring at it. It was a couple of moments later, that I started hearing my Dad’s voice, asking me not to wander off and to keep together. A blood covered sparky came out of the house and sat beside me. My childhood home I had lived in for most of my life was now nothing more than ruins. But all I could see was my home, as it had stood yesterday morning when I had left for school. Pranay playing in the garden with sparky, Mom waving at me frm the doorway and Dad reading the paper sitting on his easy chair in the garden. All I could see was my home when I had returned yesterday evening frm the ground. Mom gosipping with the neighbours over the compund wall, probably exchanging new recipes. My Mom and my neighbour had noticed my presence when I opened the gate and my neighbour was waving at me and asking me about my day. Thats when I felt my Dad jerking me and I came to my senses. When I turned around my Mom was stading behind him, olding my brother and with a worried expression on her face. I turned again to my Dad to find him asking me what was I waving at.

The relief forces had started to arrive and were shifting every1 to camps setup by various help organisations. We were given packets of food and milk. A emergency medical centre was also setup as the local hospital was also affected by the quake. Seriously injured people were being transferred to other hospitals using helicofters. After some preliminary first aid we started to my aunts house which was located in the next town. It turns out that my Dad had called them up after we had reached the camp. After 90 minutes of long drive we arrived at my aunts house and started cleaning up.

A week had passed since the incident, all schools in the town were closed but the hospitals have just been opened partially and the relief camp was mostly disbanded except for a small division to distribute food. Most of the people had already migrated to other places for the time being. Mom was busy rewinding the whole incident increasing the length of the narration each time and Pranay was busy playing around and showing off his new clothes. Dad was busy making calls and visiting insurance offices. Sparky was just busy barking at every1. Pictures of the devastation had dropped their frequency in the news and they were now replaced by interviews with the victims and with experts in the field. The government had released aid for the victims and was promising funds for furthur research to detect such quakes in time.

That evening I went along with my Dad to visit the site where the house used to stand. Dad was one of the few sensible ppl to have insured the house and was happy that we had enough money to rebuild again. He went to discuss the details with the insurance guy leaving me all alone with the ruins. I started moving around the place remembering each part of the house. The spot in the living room where I would be usually be found, lying on the floor with a remote in my hand and switching through channels. The spot where my Mom used to sit in a chair reading her magazines and ordering me to stick to a channel. The place on the dinner table for which we sibling used to fight. The platform in the kictchen where I used to bug my Mom while she was cooking dinner. The closet where I used to lock my brother up when he used to bother me. My bed where I used to lie for hours talking on the phone with friends about girls. Those sweet memories were disturbed with the return of my Dad.

My Dad was all smiles and seemed really happy. On the way to my aunts place after dropping the insurance guy at his office my Dad was telling me that thanks to the insurance money we could afford to rebuild a new house. My mind went wandering off the dirty wall in the living room. The marks on the corner of the wall where I had drawn my first hillside scenery and had to clean it up as a punishment. Yes, we could rebuild our house but would be it the home we lost???

Ps:- @Voltaire, A couple of the posts were meant to be descriptive but Ur right. Will try to improve on that and U finally do Ur work ;).

This post may not be as U might have expected it to be based on my previous post. But this is just what I had in mind when I was writingPt1.

A crumbling world Pt1.

I was riding on a horse-carriage on a rocky road. Feeling each bump under the wheels throughout my body. It felt that the road just got bumpier and bumpier. I opened my eyes to find the ceiling swaying like a swing over my head. I could feel the bumps like slight tremors frm the ground. I could hear a faint whisper calling out my name. I stressed my ears to hear it but all I could hear was a rumbling noise and the howling of my dogs. The neighing of the horses, the sound of wheels jumping off the bumps were all gone and were replaced by the rumbling frm under me.

My eyes began to see clearly and the ceiling was still moving but much faster and the dog kept on howling. It was desperately trying to free itself frm its collar. I moved my head around and all I could see was specks of vibrating lights. Some of them were shining brightly on the floor in the faint glow of the night bulb, some of them were floating and some of them were falling down and giving birth more lights. It was then that I heard my dad’s voice for the first time. He came barging into the room screaming something and it seemed as if he was running towards me. Then I began to hear what he was screaming about. My heart skipped a beat and the world went blank inside me. All that my brain could comprehend was his words ringing in my head. “EARTHQUAKE, GET OUT”.

Then I felt his hands under me trying to throw me off the bed but he didnt need to. My legs had already started to work and had started on their own. I couldnt remember asking my legs to start running, I couldnt remember the need to wear my slippers and more than that I couldnt remember the existence of my dog, though my ears could hear it howling for its life. It was after I had reached the next room that my brain began to remember, the dog that had been my playmate for over 3 years and I began to run back to get it. I could feel my my Dad’s hands trying to drag me out but I kept shouting “I have to get sparky, I have to get sparky”. I was able to free myself frm protective clutches of my Dad and ran towards the room.

As I enetered the room, my legs began to hurt and it was then that I realised what was shining wasnt my imagination but peices of broken glass on the ground. With blood flowing out and pain filling into the emptiness that was created, I started searchign for sparky in the corner where it slept. Sparky was still howling but this time it wasnt in desperation but rather in pain. Pieces of glass were all over him and they was glowing like the night sky on his brown skin. I unlocked the chain and grabbed sparky and started running out. I saw my Dad screaming profanities at me, screaming to let go of the damn dog and save my life.

I followed my Dad to reach outside but instead of waking up frm the nightmare I started seeing the sad truth in the eyes of the grief stricken, trembling eyes of my neighbours. I could see my mother holding my brother in her arms and trying to calm his down. Mom’s are so stupid, how can a 6 yr old kid stop worrying when a 15 yr old kid couldnt??? Then my head turned towards the surroundings as I saw houses shaking like a setup of lego building blocks and ppl crying, Mothers trying to get into the crumbling houses to save their children and Dad’s trying to stop them from killing themselves. Then my eyes fell on the now unfamiliar remains of my childhood home.

It has all passed like a flash and before anyone could realise it everything every1 knew just vanished.

To be continued…..

Uncertainity

Have you ever been reading a novel and right in the middle of it, wondered what would happen next??? Have you ever been, tempted to skip to the ending, just because U couldnt handle the suspense anymore??? If U have then all it says about U is that, Ur afraid of whats gonna happen next. The same way Ur afraid of what Ur life is gonna shape to. So, is it a gud thing or a bad thing that Ur afraid of the suspense that Ur future is. Ppl rushing to their astrologers say that they just want to decide whats better for them.

Some great philosophers might say that its useless being afraid and that whatever is going to happen, is just a part of Ur life. And that whatever is going to happen, will happen eventually, when it is supposed to and its best left alone, for only that time to show us that. They even state it in a poetic style, “The past is the past, the future is the future and all thats present now is this moment”.

Others, whom the saintly accuse of being human, are afraid of the uncertainity that is life. They are curious of the future that will eventually show itself, when the time is ripe. But whats the point of living, if U knew what going to happen next. Whats the point of living, if U dont have anything to look forward to. The uncertainity of life and the wait for future becoming present, isnt that what life is all about. Isnt the uncertainities that arouse our curiosity, the real beauty of life???

I dont know how to end this, except by saying that I have found myself, to be suffering with the so called disease of being human. There have been instances, where I had to leave a book uncompleted, as I couldnt handle the tension, read its end and spoiled the book for myself. There have been times, when I frantically rush through the papers, to have a look at what the stars predict for me. I dont know wether its good or bad to dream about the future, all the possibilites and then to be surprised at what it really turns out ot be. But thats what keeps me going through the mundane life. The quest to findout what possibility future has chosen to become, of all the innumerable possibilities.

A burning cigarette.

A cigarette is lit and continues to burn until all of it is consumed. Wether U smoke U or U dont it will still reach its end. Mayb a little slower but it sure will.

The red invisible flame burns it bit by bit until the countdown is finished. We are born, we eat, we sleep and do a lot of things during our lifetime but eventually we die. All thats left is a tombstone with Ur name on it for the coming ages to acknowledge Ur once exsitence. Slowly but surely humans will become extinct and then their successors would b studying the habits of a extinct race. Some ppl try to stay immortal even after their death by doing things that others would remember. Things that are good, things that are bad. Things that were considered good in the past might be considered bad now. But they are still remembered along with their doers.

But what really is the reason for wanting such immortality??? Is it for the coming ages to praise us which we cant listen to??? Or is to delay the eventual extinction of the race??? Or is it to create boring study material for the archealogists of the future races???

What really is the purpose of this life then??? Whatever we do, however great the deeds mayb, we will eventually die and would it really mean anything to us afterall???

A cigarette is lit and continues to burn until all of it is consumed. Wether U smoke U or U dont it will still reach its end. Mayb a little slower but it sure will.

So why not smoke the cigarette and die a little younger and atleast have the fun of smoking it.

Disclaimer:- This is a study of the real meaning of life frm the perspective of a lazy, earthly guy. Not to be misread as the mournings of a smoker who couldnt find a cigarette as its past 12 ;).

Bike Crazy.

A lot of ppl ask me why I love my bike or why I dont lend it to any1. Both have the same answer.

Some ppl buy bikes for their transportation needs and some others buy them cos they love them.

Thers no easy way to explain how one can love a lifeless machine that follows Ur orders and might even kill U if Urnt careful while using it. Or in other words have more fun and U might get hurt ;). So why does one love a bike when thers a possibility of skidding or crashing???

Remember the summers when U were 5, playing in the ground with Ur friends, the first drops of rain declaring the start of the monsoon, U getting wet, the winds making Ur body even cold and all Ur friends running for shelter??? Ur the only1 left in the ground. Wet and cold, the rain drops pricking U like endless needles, the winds splashing dirty water all over and Ur friends are calling for U to get to the shelter. But U dont run to them. U stay in the rain, raise Ur hands to Ur sides, raise Ur head to the sky and just stay there enjoying the arrival of monsoon.

Same goes while riding a bike. U know that the tires might skid if U brake hard but U still push Ur tires past it limits. U know that U might lose Ur balance and might topple off but U still bend the handle. U know that U might crash into others but U still give the accelerator a push more than U really need to. All that isnt bcos U need to get somewhere a little faster. If it is then Ur stupid to lay Ur life for saving a minute. All that is bcos of the child in U.

U roll Ur wrist not to watch the odometer spin but to feel the mechanical soundtrack sending vibrations through Ur body, to fell the wind blowing in Ur face, to watch the world dissappear behind U.

U bend Ur shoulder not to take a turn but to see Urself winning against the Earth pulling to devour U and to give the blood in Ur head a different direction to flow to.

And U dont race to win but to fly.

But asusual the child in U might want to use a knife but knives along with shining, cut too.

So be careful cos even fun isnt free. Ride safely.

Poem

A crappy attempt. But well however ugly one might be, the first child is always special.

Comments needed.

Perils greater than death,
awaiting me on the journey ahead.
The coldness of the wind,
reflecting the indifference the journey might make.

Clouding my will, comes the darkness.
And light showing me the hurdles ahead.

Walk I may for miles,
searching for a lonely eagle high in the sky,
to show me the way, to show me hope.
But all I see are vultures,
waiting patiently for me to let go.

Walk I may for miles,
in search of greener pastures,
but all I see ,is a desert of snow.
Numbing my senses to the point of death,
waiting for me with a cruel white stare,
to dissolve me into its vastness.

But with numb feet I still walk,
with forzen eyes I still search for hope,
in the vast emptiness I still search for a way,
against the blazing winds I still walk.

Upon a mountain I stand,
trying to breath, trying to survive,
holding on to my dear life,
like a mother holds her child.

An eagle flying above,
showing me the end of the road,
devouring on the vultures like a hurricane,
turning me into a pheonix,
to burn me to ashes, and to rise again new frm the ashes.

Democracy

India - The largest democracy in the world.

But does democracy really exist in this country??? And if it does, does it do any good???

A paper with gandhi’s picture on it works better than following the rules for a traffic police. Its not because of the power of gandhi but because of the value that peice of paper represents. They say India’s birthrate is very high. But the quantity who’s growth rate is higher is its corruption and scams.

A minister has more power than the random scriblings in the book of constitution. Politicians have the distinctive ability to have more than one tongues regarding the same matter. A snake might appear to be a inspiration but even a snake is known to have only 2 tongues. So where do the politicians learn these traits from??? Are the so called opposition leaders who claim the government is responsible for the shortage of rains really serving any purpose??? Or just passing their time and trying not to get outof the NEWS.

So can anything be done about this country. Which boasts about its democracy but really is dictatorship of the highest power.

Every1 asks these questions and some sections terming themselves as the modernised world even go the extent of calling the system flawed. Is it really true that the largest democracy in the world is a dud??? A failed experiment??? Or a joke that the writers of the constitution made which we fail to understand??? Is there really a flaw in this system??? Or is it just a system which the leaders had devised for the benifit of the Gandhi family???

Every1 asks these questions but does any1 really think about it??? These questions have been asked from time to time but never have been given a proper answer.

Yes, the system is flawed. Yes, the so called democracy doesnt exist in the way it was meant to be by our founding fathers.

The flaw exists in basic definition of democracy. People collectively deciding their fate. The founding fathers forgot that people are too lazy and they prefer to be spoon-fed rather than use their own hands.