The plan, The prophecy, The man, The tomatoes.

Disclaimer:- For the believers of the great tomato disasters this post should clear all doubts why g33k5 are the superior race. For the rest GFU.

The elaborate plan for saving the Earth started its impementation on October 28th, 1955 in Seattle, Washington. This is the day the savior of this world was born. He was given a eartly name called Henry Willam.

Everything seemed okey with this man except his prepostarous interest in computers. He was a exceptional student whos main areas of interest were mathematics and sciences. But all this changed on a fateful night 1967. The day had started like any other and ended as normally as it could. It all started after he had gone to sleep. He suddenly felt like he was awake and found himself walking through the ruins of a long destroyed city. The city was covered in a red jelly. Thats when the miracle happened.

God had planned on making a subtle appearance but wakingup in a destroyed city covered with red jelly doesnt work out for humans.

Henry Willaim:- What the *beep*. What the *beep*.

God:- Hi. Im God.

HW:- What the *beep*.

God:- Swearing is a Sin not suitable for a messiah.

HW:- What the *beep* happened to my *beep*ing voice. I say *beep* it says beep???

God:- God*beep*it. Why do messiahs have to be so stupid??? Im God so swearing is always censored in my presence.

HW:- What the *beep*. Cool. Its *beep*ing awesome. So wazzup God???

God:- Look at this world. This a world that was far advanced than Earth and got destroyed because they couldnt handle the tomatoes. You must b wondering why ……..

HW:- What the *beep*. U called me stupid. Ur stupid. Why create me if U wanted to create me so *beep*ically stupid.

God:- God*beep*. U stupid *beep*, Ur still preocessing a dialogue frm 5 mins ago??? ST*beep*U and listen to what I have to say.

HW:- I dont listen to guys who calls me stupid. And BTW my friends mom says “Stupid is what stupid does”. Never really figured out what that really means but it must mean, Ur stupid.

God:- Would U like a lightning bolt up Urs??? Ehh Ehh??? Then ST*beep*U and listen to what I have to say U God*beep*ed stupid *Beep*.

God takes out a bottle of asprin and pops a couple into his mouth.

God:- Now where were we. Ah yeah! You must be wondering why Ur here in such a place. I was about to tell U the secret of Ur life and its purpose but considering Ur inteligence I will have to do everything I guess. Very soon Ur school would obtain a computer and U have to start working on it. I will be telling U what to do from time to time.

HW:- And why would b I doing that???

God:- You were chosen at birth to lead a army that would make people dependent and useless. Thus saving them.

HW:- Come again.

God:- Im God ST*Beep*U and do as I say. It is for saving the world. Now get out of my sight and wakeup in ur world and dont U *beep*ing forget any of it.

2 hrs later, Willaim Gates lying on his bed with his eyes open.

HW:- Now what was I supposed to do again???

Voiceover:- God*beep*it, I wrote everything down on a notepad. Its on the table for heavens sake.

HW:- WT*beep* another God???

Voiceover:- Now who the *beep* am I supposed to repent to after killing him??? Im the *beep*ing God.

HW kept following these orders and became popular as Bill Gates of WIndows. And God’s plan had worked. The people have been turned into a new speices called geeks. This species priortise things a lot differently than normal humans and for them a RAM is a better valentine’s gift than flowers or chocolates. God’s plan had worked out so well that people who dont have a email are believed to not exist at all. But every medicine has a side effect. Now the staple food for geeks happens to be chips and candy bars. Now there is a new possibility of danger due to this.

PS:- All the believers believe this and follow the messiah and install windows.
PS2:- All the believers should note that Unix is the answer that Satan has comeup with to win against God.
PS3:- Believers. Shut Ur computers and go buy a extra windows license just in case. Start running.
PS4:- Now that all the geeky fools have left. This post is nothing more than a South Park inspired work of fiction, created for the sole purpose of keeping the people stupid enough to sell tomatoes frm selling them ;).

Tomatoes may be injurious to health

What Im about to reveal is a divine secret, by revealing which I would be exposing myself and all of the readers to, a death by being struck with a lightning bolt. So people with weak hearts and with a will to live should stop reading.

This story starts in one of the alternative universes, in the one which was the most favoured by the Gods. Though evolution has worked in the same way as on this universe, due to the existence of an extra Sun their world was ahead of the rest of the alternatives by over half a century. Their advancement can be credited to them being smarter and more motivated than the average individual on our beloved Earth. It is due to these characteristics that they were able to advance furthur than the rest and actually succeeded in maintaining relationships with neighbouring planets. But their advancements and their superior level of motivation ironically lead to their eventual destruction.

It all began with the advent a new idea called “Democracy” during the early 1700’s. By the end of the 19th century their whole world was engulfed by it. The old idea of, the occupations of individuals being assigned at birth was discarded. This seemed like a bright idea until the fateful day when a indvidual born to a Software professional couple got fedup with computers and decided to start selling tomatoes. Within 3 weeks he had more than tripled his assets. People around him started to understand the situation and within a year the whole of the city had followed suit and came to be known as the tomato capital of the world. He even succeeded in converting his g33ky parents to normal tomato vendors. The city was flooded with wealth and it began to be called as “Tomato Nox” as a respect to the greatest ruler of all times Hitler.

This is where things started to take a ugly turn. The whole world saw a Tomato boom of the likes which they had never seen before. Countries began promote tomato production with everything they had got and within a decade the whole world had started to produce tomatoes and Earth finally stripped Mars of the title “The Red planet”. Earth became the Tomato capital for the world. It became an unspoken law that “whoever controls the tomato trade controls the planet”. This lead to the infamous “Tomato wars”.

The tomato wars though first between small impoverished countries spread its claws onto the bigger stronger countries as well. Very soon the planet was divided into two alliances headed by “United States of Columbus” and “United Soviet Socialist Democracies”. Not much is known about these wars due to the fact that nothing was left on this Earth. And very soon the planet was declared as barren.

The Gods couldnt handle the sorrow of their favourite universe being destroyed. So after a decade of discussions they cameup with a plan to save the rest of the universes from destroying themselves.
Note :- Next part will feature their ingenious plan.

Email vs Tomatoes

The original sender of this post http://www.orkut.com/Profile.aspx?uid=11453772305633072387

A jobless man applied for the position of “office boy” at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test. “You are employed.”
He said.” Give me your e-mail address and I’ll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start.”
The man replied “But I don’t have a computer, neither an email.”
I’m sorry”, said the HR manager, “If you don’t have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn’t exist, cannot have the job.”
The man left with no hope at all. He didn’t know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.
He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the Operation three times, and returned home with $60. The man realized that he can survive by this
Way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.
5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US . He started to plan his family’s future.
He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, “I don’t have an email”. The broker answered curiously, “You don’t have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!”
The man thought for a while and replied, “Yes, I’d be an office boy at Microsoft!”
Moral of the story:
M1 - Internet is not the solution to your life.
M2 - If you don’t have internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.
M3 - If you received this message by email, you are closer to being an office boy,
than a millionaire……….
Have a great day!!!
Pls Note: - Do not forward this email to me back, I’m closing all my email addresses & going to sell tomatoes!!!
Smiling after reading is not mandatory!!!!

The end

Note:- The next post would b a geeks answer in defense of this statement.